I read this satire article this morning on "The Talking Mirror" and couldn't stop laughing. It's hilarious that so much of this is true. However, in the end, it's also a little sad that this is what many see our 'worship' as in the church today. Either way, I hope you enjoy this great article!

How to Write Contemporary Worship Music

You’ve got a problem. You feel the Lord calling you to a career as a chart-topping, face-shredding rock star, but you feel guilty about the sex, drugs, and sex that inevitably accompany super stardom. Your solution? Become a worship leader! Get the groupies, the Facebook fanpages, and the all-you-can-drink booze buffets you’ve always wanted while keeping your conscience squeaky clean!

Now, before you run off to Colorado Springs and start a band, I should tell you, it takes more than non-threatening good looks and a severely inflated ego to become the mouthpiece of the church. You need a catchy ditty that people of all ages will relate to without fully understanding. Sounds daunting right? Wrong. Thanks to advances in modern science, we’ve simplified effective worship song writing into a single, can’t miss formula. Just follow the template below and people will be saying “Dave Crowder who?” by this time next month.

First you want to state who your song is addressed to.

Jeeeeesuuuuus.

To avoid confusion, you will then want to distinguish this Jesus from the one who mows your lawn.

Sovereign Lord of all creation.

Perfect. Next, let everyone know how cool you think Jesus is with a disjointed list of laudatory adjectives.

Holy, Incredible, Awesome, Invincible, Phantasmagorical!

Having established the high regard you have for the second member of the Trinity, you will next want to describe the extravagant lengths you go to to demonstrate your love.

Falling before you / forever adore you / always want more of you / doing my chores for you / making some s’mores for you.

Then comes the pre-chorus. This is an integral part of your song wherein you ratchet up the emotional fervor until it reaches critical mass just as the chorus begins. Use this time to describe the many-faceted complexity of your relationship with the Savior.

I love you / you love me / we’re best friends as friends as can be (repeat 4x).

By the fourth repetition, the instrumental accompaniment should have reached a crescendo loud enough to drown out the vocalists, though they are now shouting at the top of their lungs. In this frenzied state you will transition into the chorus.

Regardless of your song’s message, the chorus should always follow the same format: repeated shouts of adoration intermingled with requests that those in attendance join you in singing. If you have trouble coming up with the right words, feel free to borrow liberally from other musicians.

Jesus, you’re so hiiiiiigh, high above me / you’re so lovely! / Sing it with me! / You’re so hiiiiigh, high above me / you’re so lovely.

After the chorus, the assembled worshippers will likely need a breather and a sweat rag. Those who have been slain in the spirit will probably need medical attention. As the puppet master of this whole scene, it is considered good form to bring things down a notch for the second verse.

In the interest of time and efficiency, feel free to copy and paste the lyrics from the first verse into the second one. If you feel you must, it is acceptable to modify the list of adjectives from line three. While some consider this to be extravagant and needlessly showy, it is a great way to keep your disciples on their toes.

Insurmountable, indestructible, unassailable, super-fantastical!

The second verse is, of course, followed again by the pre-chorus and the chorus.

After the second chorus, you will want to give the hand raisers and ribbon dancers a brief respite before the home stretch. A “bridge” is a popular way to do this without letting their heart rates or endorphins return to normal levels. The bridge is an important interlude, often accompanied by a key change, which serves to connect the second chorus to the third without subjecting the performer to the artistic degradation of a third verse.

Again, feel free to borrow lyrics from chick flicks, romance novels, or Seventeen Magazine.

You are the one, the only one for me. / Together forever, with you I’m free. / Nobody else makes me feel like you do. / Together forever, too good to be true.

Following the bridge, the chorus should be repeated 12-15 times. Apply fog machines and laser lights as needed, and close the whole thing out with some sort of explosion and/or stage dive.

And there you have it. Get some hair gel, buy a few graphic T’s, master the G-C-D chord progression, and prepare yourself for your new life as the second incarnation of worship-rock god, Chris Tomlin.

See you at Passion 2010.

The Gospel and Church Leadership

Here's a quote from Dr. David Platt, pastor at Brook Hills Church in Birmingham, AL, from his sermon "The Gospel and Church Leadership." I thought it was pretty strong for all believers, not just the 'church leader':

"Church leadership is designed by God to be a reflection of His glory; the glory of Christ is reflected in the beauty of His bride. Those who lead His bride, then, must be a clear reflection of the glory of Christ. I don't have to go into specific stories and instances in our culture to point out that the glory of Christ before the world has been jeopardized by leaders in the church who aren't reflective of His glory. And the effects are devastating and the effects are eternal in many people's lives. We need to take church leadership seriously; and I say that with great hesitation because Paul says in Corinthians, "Take heed lest you fall." I know that I am just one step away from falling into the same picture that other church leaders have fallen into. And so, that leads to the other part, church leadership is designed by God to display His glory, and to be dependent on His Gospel. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is possible in a church leaders life apart from the grace of Jesus Christ in that church leader. Jesus is the head of the church, HE IS OUR LEADER, and anyone who leads, elder, deacon, pastor, anyone who leads, must align themselves with the authority of Christ. The only way that Godly leadership can be a reality is if Christ is living and working in someone, and they are dependent on His Gospel. "

The Big Top

I was listening to the old Christian band Johnny Q Public today, and heard this song entitled "The Big Top":

Painted expressions filling the stands
Are the best at twisting animal balloons
And it's so funny watching the magician
Pulling big green rabbits out of
little leather pouches
Under the Big Top there's a tickle in my ear
It's creepy, crawly, scary
I don't feel fear

Under the Big Top
You've got a home
If they can fill the seats
And pay the loan

There went a donkey and an elephant
Telling everyone about what is to come
And when the birdies sing, I am reminded
Not everyone who cries "Lord,
Lord" will enter the Kingdom
Under the Big Top there's a tickle in my ear
It's creepy, crawly, scary
I don't feel fear

Under the Big Top there's a tickle in my ear
It's creepy, crawly, scary
I don't feel fear

Blank expressions filling the pews
Are the best at twisted animal views
And it's so funny to watch the minister
Pulling big green rabbits out of
little leather purses

The thought struck me: is this what church is for many of us? Is church a place where we expect to either be entertained, or swindled? Let's take these thoughts one at a time.

There are many, many people today who are looking for a church home, or are dissatisfied with the church they're currently attending. One big reason for this is entertainment. If you ask people about what they look for in a church, or why they left their last church, you'll often hear "It wasn't my type of music" or "I needed more children's activities" or "The preaching didn't keep my attention." The church isn't SUPPOSED to pander to your every entertainment desire!!! Church is supposed to be more about God, and less about you! While there is nothing wrong with finding a church that will work with your kids, or your family, or that has the type of church culture that is comfortable to you (I'll just be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable in a Hispanic church, cause they're music is different, and I don't speak the language), there also needs to be far more said about our involvement in the church. To re-quote Kennedy, "Ask not what your church can do for you, but what you can do for your church." Most people who are most dissatisfied with their church for entertainment and connection issues are also least involved. They fill a pew every Sunday, but do nothing to contribute to the body of God, then wonder why they don't fit it. Forbid it, Lord, that we should take the joy of Your body, and make it about us and our own sinful amusement! This also applies to how we view change in the church. A thought I've been struggling with for a while is this: What is more important in a church, a type of music and preaching that the Christians in the pews want, or the type of worship and preaching that the lost outside the church want to hear? Are we so worried about our own preferences that we would let them get in the way of others hearing the Gospel? Lord, never allow us to stand in the way of Your Word doing the work that needs to be done!

The second issue raised in this song is about the money in a church. Money in religion tends to take on two forms in our mind. First, there's all those prosperity-gospel preachers that work and connive to swindle you from your money, using the Gospel of Christ as the tool to beat you with as they take your money. These men are despicable and I believe are heretics at best and led by Satan at worst! One of these men, the "Reverend" (I hope you can hear the sarcasm when I say that) Creflo Dollar tells his people that true believers are rich, always, and say that despite what the Bible says, Jesus was actually a wealthy man (His basis for this claim is the fact that Judas was the man who held the money for Jesus, so He must have had a lot). He makes this claim, ignoring that Jesus said that "the Son of Man (Jesus) has no place to lay His head." This, by the way, is the same Creflo Dollar that also gave an entire sermon at his 'church' about how Jesus did not come as God, but only as a man, contrary to every Christian belief since the beginning of the Church. There are men out there that are turning money into the new God, and ignoring the Gospel of Christ, to the detriment of the church. Lord, protect us from these false prophets who lead Your church astray and attempt to destroy Your truth! May they cover their faces and be silent because they have no answer before You!

However, there are also believers at the other end of the scale when it comes to money, who treat the church wrong simply because they think the pastor is 'out to get their money.' They are so worried about holding on to 'their' cash that they can't even look at church in the proper light. What they are forgetting is that nothing is yours! Everything belongs to God, and should be given freely back to Him. The Bible teaches that we owe God a tenth of what we have (the Hebrew word for 'tenth' is 'tithe'). I would maintain that a tenth is the least you owe God! In the Old Testament a tenth was given. . .in the New Testament, Jesus tells the rich young ruler "Sell everything you have and come follow me." We are not our own, and what we HAVE is not our own, and belongs to Him. Lord, don't let our own selfish view of money keep us from You, and divide us from Your church, but show us the Truth, and allow us to be the cheerful givers that You desire us to be!