Thursday, September 25, 2008

Feeling Small, Being Small


Lately, in everything that I've been doing, I've felt small. Weak. Useless. Helpless. It's also been a reoccurring theme in my life, my home, and my ministry for me...I'm just not big enough and not strong enough to do what needs to get done. I get tired. I get frustrated. I get overwhelmed. And when I look to the future, to where I feel like God is leading me and my family, I feel lost. God, I can't handle the task you have in front of me right now, how could I ever take on this? How could you ever lead me there? How could you ever use me like that? Don't you see what a mess I am? Don't you see what a failure I am? Don't you see my sin? Don't you see my struggle?

Then, I read verses like the passage we read last night in youth group, "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches." God spends a lot of time talking about small things in the Bible. In fact, in our Sunday night study of Judges, we decided the sub-theme of the book is "God uses weak and small people so that only He can receive glory." We read about Gideon, who is a man full of fear and doubt and uncertainty, a man who has to take vastly-reduced army into battle, armed only with trumpets and torches. Why use such weakness? Why use a tiny army? Why the unorthodox weapons? So that GOD may be the one that is praised and honored and glorified. "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

That's a powerful verse that reminds us that we were not chosen because of our greatness, but because of God's goodness. As Louie Giglio said, "I don't want to make you feel small. . . . I want to show you that you are small!" God WANTS me to be small! He made me this way! Then, when I recognize my weakness, and my failure, and my insignifigance, He can step in and say, "Let me show you My power." God desires me be small so that He was room to grow within me, and become and do something great. Of course I can't handle anything right now! Of course I can't be enough and do enough. But my God can. He's big. And I can't wait to see how He's going to be big in my life!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Dry Times


It's been a long time since I've written on here, partially because of a lot of busyness going on, but partially because it's been a really dry time for me these past several weeks, and honestly, I just haven't wanted to write about what's been going on in my life. After getting back from Chile, it seems like there's been a lot of struggles and trials going on, most of them ones that I'm not completely sure how to deal with. First, there's just been a lot of struggles and warfare in the youth group. Now, most people, even most Christians, don't like to acknowledge the truth about spiritual warfare, but this is a real problem in our churches and in our lives, and we need to recognize that. Satan is constantly on the attack, and seeks to destroy those who are striving to follow God. In the youth group these past few months, this attack has taken different forms. Some of it is temptation, youth struggling with new issues, or re-battling old issues that they thought they were done with and had grown complacent about. For some youth, the battle has been through relationships, with friends and family hurting them and pulling them down, and depressing the youth to the point of a loss of spiritual focus. And for many of the youth, it's been spiritual apathy, a lack of a desire to daily put on the full armor of God and present themselves as approved and unashamed workmen in the site of God.

This struggle in the youth has been hard on me, because I'm not completely sure how to respond to each of these issues, and often take to blaming myself when these problems arise. Also, there have been other issues keeping me dry myself: broken relationships with people I care deeply about, concerns and uncertainty about the future, God dealing with me harshly in some areas of my life. . . all of these have led to a depressed spirit and a thirsty soul. In my heart, I sometimes question my effectiveness and my usefulness to God; if I can't lead these youth, and this church, then how can God ever use me somewhere else? If the youth are struggling, is that reflection of my leadership? Am I to blame?

Any of you who have read my blogs before know that this is a common question/struggle in my mind, and one that I need to resolve and hand over to God, and quickly. However, in the midst of all these doubts and struggles, there is one thing that I know, and know clearly: if I'm thirsty, then my answer is in the Living water. This blog is named Overflow because that's what I desire for God to do in my life: fill me to the point of overflowing to those around me, reaching others with the love and joy and forgiveness give first to me by God. But, if my cup is half empty, or completely dry, then I need a time for the Lord to fill me up instead. O God, you are my God, and I earnestly seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Lord, give me times of great comfort and fulfillment. Use Your Word to speak to my heart, and Your Spirit to fill me up and guide me. Let me know that You are God even when I feel distant, and thank you for Your presence that never leaves me or forsakes me.
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